Real Life After Divorce

2007-01-07T00:10:00.000-08:00

Another day...

...another fifty hoops to jump through before Jackass actually does what he's supposed to do for these kids BY LAW!

Well, I got my court date in the mail. January 23rd is 'D' day. Since he's gone to court to apply for sole custody of the kids, he's made all sorts of accusations. He's accused me of 'stealing' from my kids (when I lend them money and they pay me back), to me dealing with 'degenerates' in my house (don't ask...I have no clue what he's talking about. If you knew me, you'd know how ludacris that accusation really is).

The Jackass also insists that he provides for our children, though he hasn't paid support in the last 5 months.

There are a lot of things that he thinks that I don't know about his financial situation, that I'll be bringing along with me to that courtroom (he's actually receiving papers today with an amendment to the original application...he's gonna flip). He drives a $115,000 Range Rover, and says that he can't afford to have his support (for 3 children) increased from $1910 per month to $2271 per month. He lives in a 2.5 million dollar penthouse, and still insists that he can't afford to have his child support increased. So you see, my ex is busy 'playing the game.' But I think I have a good grasp of the rules now, and I know just how to bend them to my advantage.

On a lighter note, our eldest daughter has decided that she'd like to go to NYU's school of Journalism. Sweet!

Thanks for all of your comments and support!

Wish me luck!

M.

2006-11-30T19:04:00.000-08:00

Another day, another post about what is really the only hiccup in what would be my otherwise near perfect existence.

Went to court today to file 'Jackass's' reply to my application for an increase to his child support payments. I get to the counter, hand in these forms, the clerk stamps the copies "Reply To Counterclaim", hands me a copy to mail to Jackass, and tells me that I'll have to wait for a court date by mail.

Mail?? My lawyer told me that they could give me a court date right there. So I ask, "Is it possible for me to get a court date today, so that I can call my lawyer and check her schedule?"
The clerk looks at me, and says, "I suppose we could do it that way if that's what you want..."

Are you kidding me? Who determines just how this system should work? Who the hell sits up in his big chair, and says, "Let's make this process as assinine and illogical as we possibly can! Let's make it so that mothers who come to court seeking a decision regarding receiving the CORRECT child support from dbd's (dead beat dads), want to throw up their hands and run out screaming!" Who does that?! (If it's your job to sit up in your big chair and make that idiot decision, I wanna have a word with you.)

Why couldn't that idiot woman have given me the option of getting the court date today in the first place?? Who the hell wants to wait for a court date by mail?

I learned long ago, that this process takes time...lots and lots of time. Today, this woman has me convinced that they take the 2% of the population with the lowest IQ, and make them court clerks.

A little common sense in the system. Is this really too much to ask?

Thanks for reading.

2006-11-26T18:20:00.000-08:00

So...

...after emailing me to tell me that he's applying to the court for sole custody of our 10 year old son because he's "spending to much time with girls", my ex actually went to court and filed an application for sole custody of our 3 children! Don't ask. We've been divorced for 7 years, in which time he's never seen these kids more often than once every two weeks. For the last 7 years, he's seen the kids once every 2 weeks, and now that I've filed for an increase to his child support payments, he's decided that he's worthy of parenting 3 children full time. I'm not even worried that he'll get custody of them, as he's a narcissist, and an ass on his best day, who couldn't possibly care less about these kids, and anyone who knows him, knows that.

He even pays someone to take our son to tae kwon do (because I work full time), rather than get his ass out here and take him himself!

I applied to the court for an increase to his child support payments, and in his reply to that application, my ex let a huge financial cat out of the bag (he was actually bragging as to why the children should live with him). All I asked for in the very beginning of this process was peace and minimum child support. It's been seven blasted years, and any time I ask for something that's required of him by law, it's a big hassle, and I usually end up letting it go because I can't be bothered with the stress and headache. I'm done with that. I asked for the minimum, and he decided that he wanted to fight. I have news for him. He's definitely in for a fight. I'm not letting it go this time. I'm sick of this crap. He's going to lose a lot more than the minimum.

Karma's a bitch. If you do unto others, what you wouldn't like to have done to you, you'll get it back in spades.

Wish me luck!

2006-11-03T15:49:00.000-08:00

And here's the latest;

My ex has suggested that he should apply for sole custody of our 10 year old son. Why? Who the hell knows? His reasoning is that our son spends too much time with girls. Yes people, you read it right. My son spends too much time with girls, so his father should get sole custody of him. I think that this man is severely delusional. Obviously he doesn't remember that we have three children, two of whom are GIRLS!! Ya' see what I'm dealing with?

Next; the child support guideline where I live has been increased by 15% as of May of 2006. You'd think that common sense would say that this increase would automatically affect anyone who's paying child support...right? Nope! I have to go to court, and have a judge increase his child support by the 15% to meet the new mandatory minimum. Even though I'm asking for the minimum under the legal guideline, I STILL have to go to court to have that increase implemented. Let us also remember, that my ex is not at the moment, paying child support, and hasn't been for the last 4 months. He probably won't pay for at least another 2 months.

2006-10-14T18:15:00.000-07:00

I have to tell you about a good friend of mine. She happens to be in the same boat that I am with regard to the divorce thing. We actually know each other because of our respective divorces. I'm proud to call her my friend.

She originally started her first business as a direct result of her divorce, did well for six years, and decided that it was time to move on, and do something else. She started a blog about her experience with this new business. It's a good read (although I think she's getting behind a little, because I know that in reality she's past the point that she's at in the blog. I'll have to give her a nudge).

Her name is Debbie, and honestly, she's been my inspiration from the beginning of this process. She's an honest, take no shit individual, and I value the advice that I get from her on a regular basis.

My point with this post is this; If you can find a woman who is in your position, someone who can relate to what you're going through, someone who can give you an unbiased, un-sugarcoated opinion, be thankful. You'll need a good friend as you go through all that you're going through in this process.

Thanks for reading!

Melissa.

2006-10-14T17:12:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted to this thing in awhile...life's gotten really crazy, but I'm back! Can you tell that there's something worth venting about coming? :)

Back in July, my ex and I had a minor squabble about gawd only remembers what, but long story short, he decided to stop making child support payments due to a "credit" on his account for an "overpayment" of spousal maintenance.

The "credit" is pure b.s. We had a written agreement that he would pay spousal support/maintenance up to and including September of 2004. One evening, we sat down for coffee, and he agreed to extend the spousal maintenance to September of 2005, as it would give me a little more time to get on my feet.
He agreed, but it's not in writing. Silly me.

We had a disagreement (actually, he threw a fit because I said that I was no longer going to drive the kids one way for his time with them), and he decided to back out of the extended spousal maintenance year, six months early.

Because on paper, he was to stop paying in September of '04, so it looked as though he had overpaid on his spousal maintenance, and was issued a "credit" by the government organization that is responsible for going after the dead beat. He's decided to utilize this thing, and so, has no plans to pay child support until February of 2007. Do you see what I mean about making your own money?? If I didn't take that power out of his hands before this, I'd have been hooped.

About 3 weeks after he decided to stop paying (August 2006), he rolled into my driveway (to pick up the kids) in a new Range Rover! Can you beat that? I don't know why I would be surprised, considering that the bastard kept the fact that he owned a Porsche a secret for more than 2 years.

But come February 1 of next year, he's in for a rude shock. Can't tell you what it is until after that time, but trust me, he's not going to like it.

Thanks for reading!

Melissa.

2006-04-03T12:30:00.000-07:00

When to Use a Divorce Lawyer and When to Avoid One
By Jeffrey W Anderson

The topic of divorce is never pleasant and usually painful, but if you find yourself at the end of a marriage, it may be your only logical options. Individuals choose to enter divorce proceedings for a variety of reasons, but usually the more civil these proceedings the better. A divorce lawyer can be incredibly useful for representing you regarding divisions of assets and property and in the event of custody proceedings.

Not everyone needs to solicit the aid of a divorce lawyer, so carefully consider whether you should consider a lawyer in your specific situation. Since each case is different, there is no blanket statement regarding who should use a divorce lawyer and who can forgo the presence of one. You do not necessarily need the help of a divorce lawyer to successfully enter and complete divorce proceedings, but in many cases, their presence and expertise can help immensely through this difficult process.

Depending on your specific situation, you may not need the assistance of a divorce lawyer. That does not mean you should put any less importance or thought into the proceedings than an individual who chooses to hire a lawyer. Many individuals forego hiring a divorce lawyer because they can come up with an agreeable situation between themselves and a former spouse.
Even though your marriage may be ending, remember both parties are adults and should act as such. Individuals who are able to remain mature about the situation and have realistic wants and needs are more capable of handing proceedings without needing a lawyer.

If you choose not to solicit the assistance of a lawyer, carefully consider all potential issues that may arise between you and your former spouse. The two of you should arrange a meeting to discuss all issues before the date of the divorce proceedings so all terms and conditions are clearly determined.

Also, you may need to meet with a neutral third party mediator so that everyone remains focused at the task at hand. Couples who are able to calmly and deliberately discuss any necessary issues regarding the divorce are more apt to have problems later down the road. Most couples are able to discuss the terms of their divorce without needing to involve lawyers.
If you are concerned about your safety or afraid of your former spouse, it will probably be in your best interest to hire a lawyer and let that individual deal with him or her directly. You will still need to make any necessary decisions, but will not have to directly speak to your former spouse.

If there is any problem of abuse—physical, sexual, or verbal—in the relationship, a lawyer should be hired immediately. Furthermore, if you fear for the safety of any children or dependants in your home life, a lawyer be hired for their best interest as well. Furthermore, if your spouse is acting cruel or dishonest towards you or anyone else in the household, hiring a lawyer will help take the focus off you in this situation.

Another reason to hire a lawyer is if your spouse does so first. It is severely discouraged to enter into divorce proceedings against a lawyer if you have no experience in the field of law yourself. Hiring a lawyer will protect your best interests and ensure your wants and needs are taken care of in a court of law. This is especially true if children are involved, as custody cases are often complicated and should be handled by a professional.

If you find yourself wanting to hire a lawyer but financially unable to do so, speak with the legal aid office of your county courthouse. These offices coordinate clients with lawyers who will work at reduced fees or for no cost at all (pro bono). If you know a lawyer through family or friend connections, seek their help and guidance. Many legal acquaintances will be able to provide you with legal information for minimal or no charge.

However, if the lawyer in question shares a relationship with both you and your former spouse, it is strongly recommended you avoid bringing this person into any potential dispute. Making the decision whether or not to hire a lawyer to assist with your divorce proceedings is a critical decision that should be made using a clear head and deliberate thought.

Find more info on divorce lawyers and legal divorce help at http://www.divorcelegal.info - Click the link to visit now.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Jeffrey_W_Anderson

2006-03-30T09:15:00.000-08:00

What do YOU do when push comes to shove?

After my ex moved out, and before we had figured out what kind of child support we would be
agreeing to for the long term, I had the daunting task of figuring out exactly what it was that I was going to do about making money. I'd been a stay at home mom for 10 years at that point, and quite frankly, I was afraid of having to tackle the actual world of "work". I didn't want to have to get an office job (I don't make a great employee as I'm not great at being told what to do), and starting my own business wasn't something that I'd previously thought of...until the ex left.

I'd have to say that the divorce process actually made me stronger in many ways. It made me realize that I shouldn't depend on 'him' for anything. It made me also realize that if I didn't step up financially, my kids and I could most likely be out on the street. That realization literally lit a fire under me. My ex makes a lot of money, but the absolute last thing that I would ever do, is ask him for help of any kind, least of all for anything that had anything to do with money.

But what do you do, when you're newly divorced with kids, and you've been a stay at home mom for as long as you care to remember?

Sure, I have divorced friends whose only alternative was to get out there and get a j-o-b, but that was my absolute last option. I also have divorced friends who have started their own businesses, and are doing very well (one has a daycare, and another has an organic fruit and vegetable delivery company). I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn't stay long in any job. I had to be the boss. Push definitely came to shove for me, and I decided to start my own business.

I started a fashion accessories business (which I still own and run), and I have an internet business that is doing quite well. I'm in the process of starting another internet business,
and if I'm going to be completely honest, I'd say that if you have any computer skills at all, the internet business is an amazing way to go. I was very skeptical when I started it, and honestly, I started it as a test. But when I saw actual money being deposited into my account because of this business, I decided to push ahead with it.

If it wasn't for my divorce, there's no way that I would ever have thought of starting my own business. I was content (gawd help me) letting my ex husband go to work, and bring home the bacon, while I stayed home and took care of kids and household. That was my mistake, and it's a mistake that I'll never make again. I make a great living, and none of what I make is tied to anyone else.

I tell my daughters (I have two), that no matter how wonderful the man that they choose to marry is, they should ALWAYS have their own "stuff". Always have their own credit, bank account, and money. Even though as a couple they might have a joint account for things like household bills, ALWAYS keep your own bank account. He doesn't have to know how much is in it, nor does he have to know that it even exists, just make sure that you have one.

It's the word that I'm spreading to every woman, married or single, that I come into contact with. When I'm grocery shopping, banking, even at Home Depot, I tell women...GET AND KEEP YOUR OWN STUFF, and DON'T GIVE IT UP ONCE YOU GET MARRIED.

Thanks for reading.

Melissa.

2006-01-30T11:45:00.000-08:00

Where Are You Going To Put Your Financial Energy?

When I first started going through the divorce process, I think that I probably wasted an extraordinary amount of time and energy stressing about those things that I could not control. Things like whether or not my ex would be made to pay adequate child support. We had originally agreed on a number based on what he 'earned', but unbeknownst to me, he had been hoarding cash, a fact that I didn't discover until later on.

He works for a corporation that bears his name. He is its sole employee, and it's a corporation that at that time, made an unusual amount of money for being a one man operation. I had previously done his books, I had worked for this company, and I knew that he made a lot more than he was admitting.

You all know that a corporation is its own separate entity. So he had that entity paying him X amount per year (on paper), and he was the only one who had access to its bank accounts, books, etc. He controlled everything that that company did with its money. The court did not check as to just whether or not what he had on paper was in fact accurate, and if any checking was to be done, the court let me know that it was I who had to foot the bill to get it done. While we were in the court process, he had purchased one very expensive vehicle (begins with a "P", that he hid from myself and our children for two years), and another expensive brand of vehicle (begins with an "M").

That being said, I learned after a mere two times in court, that he actually could hide the details of his finances from a judge, I learned that no one would make him disclose those details unless I brought up the specifics, and that I had absolutely no control over what was going to happen in court with regard to how it would see his finances. I learned that he could submit his financial statements to the court the morning of our court date instead of submitting them within 30 days of his being served, and there would be no penalty for his doing so. I learned that although I played by the rules as relayed to me by the system, that same system taught him that he didn't have to abide by any rules but his own, and we both learned that there would be no penalty to him for doing so.

Between paying a lawyer to twiddle her thumbs and make uneducated comments in the chair beside me and having enough nerve to charge me for her complete incompetence, and the court not recognizing that a man on his "salary" couldn't possibly afford the things that my ex now owned (which, besides the cars, included a million dollar penthouse), I decided that enough was enough.
I felt like a pawn. I felt as though I was on some kind of TV show, in which everyone knew the objective of this surreal game, but me. I felt as though the judge and the lawyers were actually actors, hired to play their roles to the extreme, and someone was eventually going to jump out of a closet somewhere and tell me that I'd been punked. No such luck. This was crazy, and this was real.

So I opted out. I decided that this was causing way too much stress in my life, and in the lives of my children, and I couldn't control it. If the money was that important to him, he could keep it. I had to spend that energy and that time on something that I could control. Few things are worse than finding yourself in a situation where someone else has a hand on your emotional compass, your mental well being, and your destiny...your financial destiny in particular.

If you're going to go through the process, realize this; you MUST behave as though no one has the best interests of yourself and your children in mind. You must realize that this process is going to dictate your every thought, your every move, your every mood, and ultimately, the very well-being of your children for as long as you let it, and you must decide for yourself...is it worth it? Do you know what IS worth it? Working on getting your financial act together. Working on getting something for yourself that only you control is worth it. Here's the lesson that I learned; regardless of what we think is right, society teaches us that money (and having it) is important. I've learned that as a divorced woman it is especially important. I learned that I had to put all of my immediate energy into making my own money. work

Do whatever it takes to have something of your own. Don't make the mistake that I made in thinking "He would never do that to his children." Granted, he might not. And if he doesn't...great. Even if he proves himself to be an honorable man, you still need to be self-reliant. I know that what I'm saying makes sense to you, or you wouldn't have made it to the bottom of this article. Believe me, no one else is going to do it for you. From the depths of my heart, I can't stress it enough.

Thanks for reading.

To Your Success!

Melissa Harvey.

Copyright 2006 Melissa Harvey All Rights Reserved

2006-01-23T17:52:00.000-08:00

Your Own Home Based Business

What do you think is the number one wish of the average woman when it comes to her work/career life?

I recently did a survey of 100 women, single, married women/stay at home moms, and divorced women with children, in which I asked the question, “If could decide what your work life would look like, what would you choose? The overwhelming majority answered one of the following ways:

a) Start my own business, be my own boss, make my own schedule
b) Do some type of work that I could make a good living, and have the ability to stay at home with my children.
Their greatest wish with regard to their work/career lives was to have the ability to either run their own businesses, or have the ability to make money at home. work at home work at home work at
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The married women/stay at home moms that I interviewed told me that their wish for starting their own businesses was to contribute to the household income, whether or not it was a financial necessity. The divorced women in the group, mostly wanted to either be financially free of their ex-husbands strangle hold on their finances, or wanted to add to that income, and not be completely dependent on his support, so that if and when it no longer existed, they did not have to worry about how they were going to feed themselves and their children. work at home work at home work at home work at home work at home work at home work at home work at home work at home
According to the National Foundation for Women Business Owners, and the U.S. Census Bureau, "Between 1997 and 2004, the estimated growth rate in the number of women-owned firms was nearly twice that of all firms (17% vs. 9%), employment expanded at twice the rate of all firms (24% vs. 12%)."

Those are some incredible numbers. More and more women are starting their own businesses. It seems to be the way to go. Back in 2001, I started my first business. I’ve since started two other businesses, all of which I diligently work at from the comfort of my home office. Granted, one of them requires that I be ‘out in the field’ from time to time, but I wouldn’t trade it for a regular nine to five for all the money in the world. work at home work at home work at home work at home work at
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I know many women who have started their own successful businesses. Most of whom started (as I did) as the result of a divorce. I have one friend in particular, who used to have constant arguments with her ex-husband about various issues. When they would argue, he would ask her loudly, “Should I call my lawyer?” Every time he asked that question, she would quietly say “No.” Little did he know she was working toward opening her own daycare center. When all of her ducks were in a row, they had another argument, at which time he asked his usual question, “Should I call my lawyer?” This time, she looked him dead in the eye, and replied, “Yeah. You should call your lawyer. Get him to call my lawyer. Here’s his card. We’re done.” She now owns and runs a successful daycare center from her home. She also has a 6 month waiting list of children, who are waiting to get into her daycare. work at home work at home work at home work at home work at
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Are you interested in making your own money at home? From doing online surveys, to starting your own catering company, some of the best home based business opportunities exist right now! Do some research, choose one, and go for it! To Your Success!

Melissa Harvey

Copyright 2006 Melissa Harvey All Rights Reserved.

2006-01-20T09:31:00.000-08:00

My name is Melissa Harvey, and I'm a divorced mother of two. work at home work at home

I started this blog because I know so many women who are currently in the financial position
that I found myself in not so long ago. What position was that? I was broke. I had divorced my
husband, and the bitter bastard decided that he was going to make me fight for alimony. I decided that I wasn't going to do that. After all, wasn't I going to have to hire a lawyer to fight on my behalf in court? Don't lawyers cost a ridiculous amount of money? Not to mention the stress. Nope. I'm smarter than that. I wasn't about to fight with him. I decided to put that money and energy to much better use. work at home work at home work at home work at home work at home work at home

If you're like most women, stay at home moms in particular, who are about to begin the divorce process (or are already in it), money, and how you're going to be making it is one of your first concerns. work at home work at home work at home work at home work at home work at home

Your first instinct might be to panic. Don't. Stay calm, think rationally. You think you're going to work at home, so that you're better able to deal with the little emergencies that life throws at you when you have kids, right? Great. Think about what you can do. Are you great with kids? Do you have a knack for putting a room together? Are you an amazing cook? Are you a whiz on the computer? Try to think of something that you enjoy doing, or are good at, and work around that. work at home
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One of the best ways to make extra income at home, is to start your own business. But you'll probably need to start a business in which you don't have to break the bank in order to get it started. work at home work at home work at home work at home work at home work at home
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Every week I'll post a list of things that you can get started doing in order to make that extra income. I know plenty of divorced moms, who have all been in your position, including myself. It happens to the best of us, but you can turn it around. You can make a very good living without having to leave the house. It's not going to happen overnight, (and anyone who tells you that it will is lying) but you'll get through it, and come out on top. work at home work at home work at home
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Remember that you come first. Only you can determine what your financial future holds. Take control. work at home work at home work at home work at home work at home work at home

Thanks for reading!

Melissa Harvey